Snape: In slow motion, the flowers fell from my hand and shattered like glass. And when I looked into the mirror, I was a beautiful milk maid. Then I woke up crying. I don’t know why.
Dumbledore: Well I once had a dream that I was a baby pig, livin’ on a farm! Oink oink oink!
Snape: No, you don’t understand! It was a life-changing vision! I may never be the same-
(He is bulldozed by Harry.)
Harry: Professor Dumbledore, we need your help! Magical emergency!
Dumbledore: Oh boy, let’s go!
(They run up to Hermione, who is standing next to a shimmering vortex.)
Hermione: Professor, Ron’s trapped in an alternate dimension!
Dumbledore: Oh, not again!
Ron: Oh, it’s the most terrible thing! It tickles in all the wrong ways!
Harry: It wouldn’t happen if you weren’t so fat. What should we do, professor?
Dumbledore: Hmm, fetch me the problem stick!
Ron: I think I’m going through puberty!
Hermione: Don’t go into the light, Ron!
(Harry brings Dumbledore a very long wooden stick.)
Harry: Here it is.
Dumbledore: Ah, yes. My old friend. Let’s see if I still remember how to do this… Poke, and then…
(He pokes the vortex and Ron falls out.)
Harry: Are you okay, Ron?
(Ron gets up. He is wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket, and his voice is much lower.)
Ron: You kiddin’ me? Harry, I’ve never felt better! I’m a man now! ‘Sup, Hermione?
Hermione: Oh, Ron!
Ron: It’s Ronaldo, now. Whassup, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Wow! You’re much cooler than Harry!
Ron: Let’s have a beach party. In London.
(Music begins to play and everyone but Harry dances.)
Harry: No! NO! Pituitarius shrinky-dinkius!
(He zaps Ron, who returns to normal.)
Harry: I rule the school, you hear? I’m top dog! No one can have more testosterone than me! ‘Cause I’m, Harry Potter, I’m the boy who lived, I’m Harry Potter. Okay?
Ron: I’m so sorry, Harry.
Harry: Well good. Now let’s have a dance party. In London.
(The music starts up again. Harry sings along.)
Harry: Yeah. Harry Potter. Uh. Harry Potter. Yeah. That’s me.
My name is Harry Potter
I’m the king of the school
I’m better than everybody
In the school
I’m hip and I’m awesome
All the girls know my name
That is my name.
Do the shooby-doo-wops!
Other singers: Shooby-doo-wop! Shooby-doo-wop!
(they continue to backup during the song.)
Harry: I defeated Voldemort
when I was a baby
I was even awesome
When I was a baby
Both my parents died
When I was a baby
I grew up abused,
without any love.
Harry: You guys are my best friends, you know that?
Hermione: Oh, Harry!
Dumbledore: You’re gonna be all right, Harry! My boy…
Hermione: We’ll always love you, Harry!
Dumbledore: Yes, we will.
(They go up to hug him.)
Ron: I love you too, Harry!
Harry: Lose some weight before you hug me, Ron.