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(NOTE: This is a transcription of the extended version. The version on Youtube is somewhat shorter.)
(The usual PPP opening, with the signs and such. The title sign is a very stylized “Snape’s Diary.”)
(Ron and Hermione are standing on stage.)
Hermione: Where’s Harry?
Ron: I don’t know. I can’t feel when he’s not around.
Hermione: I hope he gets back soon, so we can play Wizard… Sudoku… or something.
(Harry enters with a large book.)
Harry: OH MY GOD, look what I’ve found!
Ron: Is that a book?
Hermione: I know a thing or two about books, and that’s a book!
Harry: It’s not just any book, guys!
Ron: Is it a young adult vampire romance novel?
(The curtain is suddenly closed. The text “Ten seconds later” is superimposed on the image. When the normal image returns, Ron is in the corner, facing away from the audience.)
Harry: Anyway, I just happened to find this in Snape’s bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed. It’s his diary!
Ron: Wow! Shall we read it!
Harry: I’ve got a better idea. Let’s read it!
Hermione: Oh, what a fascinating character study this will be!
Harry: Okay, this is the first entry. “Dear diary:”
(Image fades to Snape, writing in his diary in a dark room with candles.)
Snape: Today, I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.
(Back to reality.)
Ron: I’m hungry!
Harry: What else is new, fatty? Let’s get to the good stuff.
(Back to Snape.)
Snape: Today, I put on my raincoat and traveled to Knockturn Alley. I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other, and then died of loneliness. I felt envy.
(Back to reality.)
Harry: This is hilarious!
Hermione: Oh, look, Harry! I see your name!
Ron: Oh, you’re good at reading, Hermione.
Harry: WHAT?
(Snape.)
Snape: Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall, screaming “Bother! Bother!” over and over. Later he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness. Tonight I prayed for the first time in 20 years. I prayed for the end.
(Reality.)
Harry: I remember that, Ron! Give me five!
Ron: You already took my money, Harry.
Harry: Nevermind.
(Snape.)
Snape: I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. Oh, cruel attention. Button, oh button, oh where hath thou fled? / Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? / Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? / How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.
(Reality.)
Ron: What is a bosom, Harry?
Harry: Um.
Hermione: Yeah, tell him, Harry!
Harry: Oh look! Another page!
Snape: Today, while in the bathtub-
Harry, Ron and Hermione: EWW!
(Snape.)
Snape: I fell asleep, and had a nightmare. I was riding a thestral through a thunderstorm. Every thunderclap resolved into their voices. Bother! Bother! Suddenly, it became music. I was at the Yule Ball with Lily Evans. I asked her to dance. She asked me to die. Would that I could, Lily. Would that I could.
(Reality.)
Harry: My mom was awesome!
(Snape.)
Snape: When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bath water, and I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy.
(Reality.)
Ron: Mmm! I like prunes!
(Dumbledore rises up naked from below.)
Dumbledore: Did somebody say prunes?
Ron: I said prunes! How did he know?
Dumbledore: What are you monkeys up to? Studying for class?
Harry: No, we’re invading Professor Snape’s privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.
Dumbledore: But you don’t have any prunes, do you?
Harry: I’m afraid not.
Dumbledore: I’m very disappointed in you, Harry.
(Dumbledore leaves.)
Harry: Okay, back to the stinky book!
(Snape.)
Snape: Today, the orange one accidentally drank one of my more expensive elixirs. He promptly vomited a glittering rainbow of foul waste, and the classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migraine. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy’s sick. Halfway through, Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs with Hogsmeade barmaids. Then he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday. Later, I noticed my bottle of sangria was gone. I settled for a cup of coffee, scalding my writing hand in the process and spilling it on my pants. I walked to the hospital wing, covering the wet spot with a book. Madame Pomfrey laughed and made me wait while she treated a student’s runny nose. After an hour it became apparent that she had forgotten about me, so I returned to my room and found that I had locked myself out. I called for Filch, who turned up covered in lipstick and clearly having finished the sangria. He broke open my door, laughed at me, punched me in the shoulder too hard, and left me alone. I thought of my father.
(The candle on his desk goes out.)
Snape: I cried.
(Reality.)
Harry: This got boring. Let’s write a new entry!
Ron: That’s a really fun idea.
Hermione: Here’s one of the quills I carry with me at all times!
Harry: Okay. *imitating Snape (sort of)* I am Snape. I’m so sad because I poop my pants all the time. I don’t have any friends because I stink like Broccoli and poop. I teach potions to Harry Potter, and it’s really boring because he’s so cool and it makes me have depression. Okay, I think I’ll go cry now, becau- but not before I poop my pants, ‘cause- bye.
Ron: Wahaha! Can I try?
Harry: Be my guest!
Ron: I… am… S…
Hermione: Okay, Ron, that was a good try.
(Snape wanders in, mumbling.)
Snape: Somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room. Hey, wait a minute. That book! What are you doing!?
Harry: Snape! Ron stole your diary!
Snape: WHAT? You didn’t read it, did you?
Harry: Oh, he read it all right! He read it all!
Snape: This is unacceptable!
Ron: I liked the story about the button, Snape.
Snape: You- you did?
Ron: It made me sad, thinking about that little button, lost and alone. I hope you find your button, Snape.
(Snape has a single plastic tear on his face.)
Snape: So do I, orange one. So do I.
Ron: (offscreen) I like buttons!
(Credits.)