Harry: Hi! I’m Harry Potter! What a beautiful day here at Hogwarts School of Magical Mystery Tours!
Ron: Every day is beautiful with you here, Harry! But…
Harry: But WHAT, Ron? WHAT could be wrong?
Ron: I’ve got a secret affliction, Harry.
Ron: You don’t even know what it is, Harry! It’s lice.
Harry: Get out.
Ron: It’s wizard lice.
Dumbledore: Did somebody say lice?
Ron: I said lice! How did you know?
Dumbledore: Harry, you need to help your friend. Another infestation is the last thing the school needs!
Harry: Okay, fine.
Dumbledore: Now, since lice are magical creatures, you must venture to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, to seek the help of Hagrid, the terrible half-giant. He’ll know what to do!
Harry: Don’t do that. Let’s go.
(They cheerfully wander away, humming. They come to a cardboard background made to look like Hagrid’s hut. There is a sign on the wall reading “HOME SWET HOME” and the sound of buzzing flies)
Harry: Ugh. I can’t breathe.
Ron: Ooh! What’s that!
(Camera pans to show Hagrid sleeping.)
Ron: It’s a giant furry mattress! May I jump on it?
Harry: Yes, do as you wish, you diseased child. Wait, no! Look! It’s moving!
(Hagrid awakens. All of his lines are mumbled.)
Hagrid: Uh, mmmbr, on the shoulder…
Ron: Hello, Mr. Hagrid! I need y-
(Hagrid turns around and knocks Ron over.)
Harry: We’ve come for your folksy advice, Hagrid!
Ron: I’ve got wizard lice, Hagrid! And I need your help!
Hagrid: Oh, well then, you just let ol’ Hagrid just take a little nap.
(He falls asleep.)
Harry: You just took a nap! Get up, you old meat sack!
Hagrid: All right, all right, where?
Harry: Right here! Take a look!
(He holds up a magnifying glass to Ron’s head, showing the lice.)
Harry: Millions of little monsters have spawned on Ron’s already filthy scalp!
Hagrid: Oh, well, my boys, just listen here.
(Music starts to play. Hagrid begins to sing.)
Hagrid: If you want to take care of that wizard lice,
You’ve got to listen to Hagrid’s good advice.
Rub meat it your hair till it starts to stink.
Let it sit for an hour, wash it off in the sink.
Then take some mayonnaise, rub it into your roots,
Then wipe it all off on an old pair of boots.
Spin in a circle, clap your hands twice.
Now you ain’t got any… lice.
Ron: Great song, Hagrid! But I can’t afford any mayonnaise…
Harry: Hmm, well, what if we just light his head on fire?
Hagrid: No, there’s another way to cure wizard lice. But he ain’t gonna like it…
(Dramatic zoom in on Ron. Suddenly, he is dangling upside-down.)
Ron: Are you sure this is going to work, Hagrid?
Hagrid: Shut up!
(He hits Ron with a large stick.)
(He hits Ron again.)
Ron: Ow! Heh. Heh.
Hagrid: You’re cured.
Ron: Oh, thank you, Hagrid! I feel 100% better. It’s as if the lice never even existed. I feel clean for the first time in my life! You’re-
(Harry is thinking over Ron.)
Harry: With the power of Hagrid’s mighty cudgel, I could solve all my problems!
(Harry begins speaking aloud.)
Harry: Your skill are needed elsewhere! Follow me, and bring your muscles!
Hagrid: I’m tired, Harry. You go do it yourself.
Harry: I’ll leave a small pile of fish outside of your hut every day for a month.
Hagrid: *Gasp!* You got yourself a deal, Hair-gly Pot-ler!
Harry: Okay, follow me!
(They run up to Hermione.)
Hermione: Oh, hello Harry! Hello, Hagrid!
Harry: Hello, female Ron. Okay, club it right now!
(Hagrid clubs Hermione.)
Harry: Yes. We’ve cured her lie, Hagrid! Good boy!
(He throws a fish at Hagrid. It lodges in his beard.)
Hagrid: Err, herr hurr, hurr thank you.
Harry: Come on!
(They come across Snape.)
Snape: Ah, Mr. Potter. Have you completed your potions homework? Hmm?
Harry: No! Hit!
(Hagrid clubs Snape.)
Snape: What are you talking ab- ugh!
Harry: He’s still got some lice! Hit him again!
(Hagrid clubs Snape again. Snape falls off the front of the stage.)
Harry: Fantastic! Incredible! Let’s go!
(They run across Voldemort.)
Voldemort: Ah, Harry! I’ve been waiting for you! Avada Ked-
Harry: No time to chat, Voldemort!
Harry: Gotta go!
(Harry and Hagrid wander away.)
Voldemort: But… but, but… oh, every time I try to kill Harry!
(They come to Dumbledore.)
Dumbledore: Hello Harry! Hello Hagrid! Did you vanquish your little friend’s vermin yet?
Harry: You bet I did! Get him, Hagrid!
(Hagrid hits Dumbledore, but it only makes a loud metallic noise.)
Dumbledore: Ooh! Trying to take a whack at the old headmaster, are you?
Harry: Oh my God, he’s an android!
Hagrid: What? What?
Dumbledore: Yes, it’s true. I am an android. A gay android.
(The curtain closes as the dramatic “dun dun DUUUUUUN!” music plays. The final “DUUUUUN” continues for 10 seconds.)
(Hollywood East TV sign.)