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(The first few measures of the main Harry Potter theme plays, sounding as though it has been played by an old FM synthesizer. A sign pulls up from the bottom of the stage saying, The Potter Puppet Pals. Drop below the stage. Harry raises his head up and looks from left to right suspiciously. Brings head down, then pops back up.)
Harry: I’m Harry Potter.
Ron: (pops up) And I’m Ron.
Harry: Let’s go bother Snape!
Ron: (nods) Okay!
Snape: (pops up) I am Snape, the potions master.
Harry: Ready… Ready? Let’s bother him!
(Harry and Ron rush towards Snape)
Snape: Wait.
Ron: What’s the matter, Snape?
Snape: You little pipsqueaks always do this!
Harry: But… but it’s fun!
Snape: Not today Mr. Potter. (looks back and forth at Ron and Harry) If either of you touch me, I will… I’ll…
Ron: What?
Harry: Yeah, what?
Snape: I will be forced to inflict upon your school boy bottoms, the most dreadful spankings in all of Hogwarts school!
Harry: (Harry hangs his head and shakes it) Ok, Ron. Let’s go do something else.
Ron: Righto.
(Harry and Ron leave stage)
Snape: How I dislike them.
Dumbledore: (pops up excitedly) Severus! How’s it goin’?! (Audience cheers and Dumbledore bows towards them)
Snape: I am bitter and depressed, sir.
Dumbledore: Well, Cheer the Hell up, or I’ll have to fire you! This isn’t a war Mr. Frowny Pants! Cheerio! (pops below stage)
Snape: Hello, all you children out there. Have you ever had a bad day?
Audience: Yes!
Snape: Have you ever had a day where it feels like a dark soul-eating cloud is pouring raindrops of evil over your head for hours?* Do you know what they’d call you if every day in your life was like that?
Audience: Snape!
Snape: Yes. They’d call you Snape.
(Snape sings Like Snape)

(Harry and Ron jump up and attack Snape.)
Harry and Ron: Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother!
Ron: Got you!
Snape: That’s it! No more Mr. Nice Snape! Bother! (Hits Harry to right side of the stage.) Bother! (Hits Ron to the left side of the stage, then continues to punch left and right.)
Dumbledore: (pops up) What’s all the hullaballoo?!
Snape: They bothered me. I bothered back. It was self-defense.
Dumbledore: Harry! (looks toward Ron) Ron! (looks toward Harry) They’re wounded Snape! You gave them boo-boos!
Snape: They were pushing my buttons, sir.
Dumbledore: Kiss them and make it better!
Snape: What?
Dumbledore: Go on!
Snape: (goes over to Ron and kisses him) Bother. (goes over to Harry and pulls Harry towards him, then gives Harry a kiss) Bother.
Dumbledore: Okey-dokey, everything’s all better now! Shoo! (Snape drops below stage.) Now iupsy-daisy, boys!
Harry: What happened?
Ron: Where am I?
Dumbledore: Oh, you just had a couple bumps on the noggin. So, what’s new with you kids?
Harry: Oh, not much. Just the usual schoolwork.
Ron: I’m failing everything!
Dumbledore: Splendid. Oh, wait. Isn’t there another one of you somewhere?
Harry: What do you mean?
Dumbledore: I think it’s a girl, your friend. Uhhh… Hercules?
Ron: Hermione?
Dumbledore: Yes! Where is that clever little trollet?
Hermione: (pops up) Here I am!
Dumbledore: Now, wonderful! So we can begin!
Hermione: Begin with what?
Dumbledore: I shall teach you all a powerful spell. An incredible, mystifying spell!
Ron: Oh, boy! What could it be?
Dumbledore: Passed down from generation to generation.
Harry: Holy crap!
Dumbledore: Indeed! An ancient magic with which one can change the world.
Hermione: Well, what is it?
Dumbledore: The spell we know as… love.
Ron: LOVE?!
Harry: Lame.
Hermione: But love’s not magic!
Dumbledore: Well it’s not my fault if nobody’s ever loved any of you!
(Dumbledore sings The Spell of Love)
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione bob in time with the music…again.)

(Children scatter to the sides of the stage. Dumbledore dances a little, trying to encourage them to come back towards him.)
Harry: (comes closer) Why do all your lessons end in nudity?!
Dumbledore: Apparently you’ve learned nothing!
Ron: (Comes closer) Can you leave now? (darts back to the side of the stage)
Dumbledore: Yes. Yes, I suppose. Toodles. (goes under stage)
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione come from sides of the stage into the center.)
Hermione: He was… He was naked? I thought he was just wearing a flesh-colored leather jumpsuit!
Voldemort: (pops up) I am Lord Voldemort! The most powerful dark wizard in the whole series—-I mean the world!
Ron: Oh, no! What’s he doing here?
Harry: He’s gonna murder us, like he murdered my parents…and my happiness.
Voldemort: You take everything so personally, but you’re right. It’s murdering time.
Harry: Oh fiddlesticks.
Ron: I know. It sucks.
Hermione: Poop!
Voldemort: Uh… all right. So you kids know about the Killing Curse, right?
Harry: Yeah… no! My parents died of old age! Of course I know!
Voldemort: And all you Muggle kids out there know what it is, right?
Audience: Yeah!
Voldemort: Well, that’s a good start, I must say! So, what I want you to do is when I say Avada Kedavra, scream like you’re dying, ‘kay? Alright! Hit it, Pete!
(Voldemort sings Avada Kedavra)
(And, again, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are bobbing in time with the music.)
(After every “Avada Kedavra, the audience screams)

(Harry, Ron, and Hermione fall down, dead.)
Voldemort: Well, look. What do you know? It worked!
Dumbledore: What? What? Are you killing my students?
Voldemort: Uhh…uhhh…no. They were like that when I got here. Uhh. (disappears under the stage.)
Dumbledore: Oh you children. Always dying. Well, just clean up after yourselves, all right?
Snape: (comes up from under the stage and looks at the dead children) I’m so taking the day off. (jumps under stage)
(End music comes on and a sign pull ups from the bottom of the stage that says, “The End”. Lights dim.)