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No Place Like Home
From WikiLemon
No Place Like Home
- Artist:
- Rojhelio Studios
- Released:
- October 14, 2007
- Length:
- 36:44
- Link:
- Movie is in 5 parts:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (credits) - Cast:
- Patrick Ryan, Jake Quilty-Dunn, Neil, Kevin James, J. L. Carrozza, Sean Murphy, Ryan Murphy, Lauren Mack
- Crew:
- The cast + Emmy Cicierega
No Place Like Home is a film parodying the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz. Like the original film, it is a musical. The homepage of the project, with buying information, can be found here.
Contents |
Soundtrack
| Song no. | by: | Song Name |
|---|---|---|
| 1. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Yellow Brick Road |
| 2. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Getting Drunk |
| 3. | Neil Cicierega | The Munchkins |
| 4. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Running |
| 5. | Neil Cicierega | The Scarecrow |
| 6. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Wandering |
| 7. | Kevin James | The Robot |
| 8. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Wandering Again |
| 9. | Patrick Ryan | The Lion |
| 10. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | The Lion’s Speech |
| 11. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Lost |
| 12. | Neil Cicierega | Meeting the Wizard |
| 13. | Neil Cicierega | Caught Sneaking |
| 14. | Ryan Murphy | The Witch |
| 15. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | The Generous Wizard |
| 16. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Saved by the Good Witch |
| 17. | Jake Quilty-Dunn | Home Again, Somewhere |
| 18. | The Rojhelios | Somewhere Over the Rainbow |
Transcript
Part One
(Opening Titles roll. During titles, the main character, Tom, can be seen wandering around city streets and entering a bar. It is of note that everything is in black and white at this point.)
(Musician, Jake, is singing opening music, Yellow Brick Road)
(Musician, Jake, is singing opening music, Yellow Brick Road)
Jake: Early rise in the morning
And my breath is keeping warm
Full moon fading to the east
And there’s no escape from home
The rising dawn is your front door
When you call the world your home
And I’m walking down The Yellow Brick Road
I hate it when you say you love me
‘Cause I don’t know what you mean
And no-one bothers asking
Why this darkness is in me
I don’t need any friends now
‘Cause they’ll only do me harm
Now I’m talking to The Yellow Brick Road
Packing up my belongings
In my pockets and on my skin
I’m leaving here tomorrow
Four sheets to the wind
I whisper as the wind blows
That there’s no such thing as home
And I’m leaving on The Yellow Brick Road
Yeah, I’m leaving on The Yellow Brick Road
(Mick the bartender and a bar patron are listening to Jake perform)
Mick: Nice job, Jake.
(Mick and bar patron clap)
Jake: Thanks, Mick.
Mick: You want your regular?
Jake: Uh… yeah.
(Jake sits next to Tom)
Tom: Sounded pretty good.
Jake: Thanks. I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. Where’re you from?
Tom: You know, from around. Usually out on the move these days.
(Mick puts a glass down for Jake)
Jake: Thanks, Mick.
Mick: No problem.
(Jake turns to shake Tom’s hand)
Jake: Name’s Jake.
Tom: Tom. Well Jake, seeing as I’m at a bar, and got no place to be, I say we kick back a few brain cells.
Jake: I’ll drink to that. Hey Mick! Bring me and my friend here a bottle of your finest whiskey!
Mick: You mean my cheapest?
Tom: Exactly.
(Tom and Jake drink the whiskey, and the screen begins to blur. A montage of random scenes from the bar begins to flash by, and the screen blacks out for a moment.)
(Tom comes to, with no shoes on. He is alone in the bar.)
Tom: Uuughh.
(He looks around the bar)
Tom: Hmm. Hello?
(Camera shows a pair of red shoes on the floor.)
Tom: Hello? Who’s there?
(He notices the shoes)
Tom: What the hell?
(He picks up the shoes)
Tom: Well, if the shoe fits…
(He exits the bar, still holding the shoes, and color streams into the bar as he opens the door.)
(Tom is now in a large field. He drops the shoes in surprise, and then sits down to put them on.)
(Unintelligible whispering begins to come from some unseen source.)
Tom: What? Hello? Someone there? Who is that?
(Munchkins begin to reveal themselves, and break into The Munchkin’s Song)
Munchkins: Hoorah!
Tom: Midgets…
Mick: Nice job, Jake.
(Mick and bar patron clap)
Jake: Thanks, Mick.
Mick: You want your regular?
Jake: Uh… yeah.
(Jake sits next to Tom)
Tom: Sounded pretty good.
Jake: Thanks. I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. Where’re you from?
Tom: You know, from around. Usually out on the move these days.
(Mick puts a glass down for Jake)
Jake: Thanks, Mick.
Mick: No problem.
(Jake turns to shake Tom’s hand)
Jake: Name’s Jake.
Tom: Tom. Well Jake, seeing as I’m at a bar, and got no place to be, I say we kick back a few brain cells.
Jake: I’ll drink to that. Hey Mick! Bring me and my friend here a bottle of your finest whiskey!
Mick: You mean my cheapest?
Tom: Exactly.
(Tom and Jake drink the whiskey, and the screen begins to blur. A montage of random scenes from the bar begins to flash by, and the screen blacks out for a moment.)
(Tom comes to, with no shoes on. He is alone in the bar.)
Tom: Uuughh.
(He looks around the bar)
Tom: Hmm. Hello?
(Camera shows a pair of red shoes on the floor.)
Tom: Hello? Who’s there?
(He notices the shoes)
Tom: What the hell?
(He picks up the shoes)
Tom: Well, if the shoe fits…
(He exits the bar, still holding the shoes, and color streams into the bar as he opens the door.)
(Tom is now in a large field. He drops the shoes in surprise, and then sits down to put them on.)
(Unintelligible whispering begins to come from some unseen source.)
Tom: What? Hello? Someone there? Who is that?
(Munchkins begin to reveal themselves, and break into The Munchkin’s Song)
Munchkins: Hoorah!
Tom: Midgets…
Munchkins: Get the hell off of our property!
You are trespassing on our land! (Our land!)
We demand that you leave our property
Or we’ll kill you where you stand!
You offend our eyes
And you stink of booze!
Get your human ass out,
You can keep your damn shoes!
Get the fuck off of our property!
Take the first road out you see! (Whippee!)
Please remove yourself from our property
Or we’ll beat your face
On the basis of your race
And hang you from a tree!
Wheee!
(The Munchkins hurl various insult and taunts at Tom as he flees, including “Go to the Emerald City!” “Get outta here!” “Go see the Wizard, maybe HE’LL fix you!” and “Faggot!”)
(Tom runs through a cornfield.)
(End of Part One)
(Tom runs through a cornfield.)
(End of Part One)
Part Two
(Tom is walking through a forest, and comes upon several paths and a scarecrow at the intersection)
Tom: Great! Where do I go now?
Scarecrow: Try that-a-way…
Tom: What?
Scarecrow: Or, uh, this-a-way?
Tom: Who’s there?
Scarecrow: Hey! You could go both ways… no wait. I guess you can’t,
Tom: … Did you say something?
Scarecrow: Yeah, I’m talkin’.
Tom: Who are you?
Scarecrow: I- I’m a scarecrow.
Tom: Whaddaya mean, you’re the scarecrow?
Scarecrow: I’m a scarecrow.
(Music begins to play, and the scarecrow sings The Scarecrow’s Song. An animated crow dances on the scarecrow as he sings, and Tom appears to be very bored and confused, even checking his watch.)
Tom: Great! Where do I go now?
Scarecrow: Try that-a-way…
Tom: What?
Scarecrow: Or, uh, this-a-way?
Tom: Who’s there?
Scarecrow: Hey! You could go both ways… no wait. I guess you can’t,
Tom: … Did you say something?
Scarecrow: Yeah, I’m talkin’.
Tom: Who are you?
Scarecrow: I- I’m a scarecrow.
Tom: Whaddaya mean, you’re the scarecrow?
Scarecrow: I’m a scarecrow.
(Music begins to play, and the scarecrow sings The Scarecrow’s Song. An animated crow dances on the scarecrow as he sings, and Tom appears to be very bored and confused, even checking his watch.)
Scarecrow: Mama was a haystack
Daddy was a burlap sack
Crows on my back,
While I’m lookin’ up o’er the grain!
Crucified straw man
Ever since I began
God’s master plan
Never specified a brain!
And I know
That it’s my mission
But with all
The time I’ve got
Lord I’m findin’
Myself wishin
I could spend
It deep in thought
Mama was a haystack
Daddy was a burlap sack
God take me back
‘Cause there’s nothing
In my head, ‘cept for stuffin’,
And I don’t know what to think
About that.
(Tom shoves the scarecrow off of his wooden cross, leaving the jacket attached.)
Scarecrow: Oh. Whoo! Uh, well, thanks for getting me down from there.
Tom: Yeah. No problem.
Scarecrow: Yeah! Well, uh, what do you want with me?
Tom: Well, uh, so you could tell me which way these roads go?
(The Scarecrow points down various paths)
Scarecrow: Ah, these roads. Well, that one there goes… to The Emerald City. That one over there, that goes to, uh, Neverland. Umm… You go that way, that’s Detroit.
Tom: Huh. Detroit.
Scarecrow: No, you don’t want to go there.
Tom: All right, well, little ways back, a bunch of little men told me I wanted to go to The Emerald City. See the Wizard.
Scarecrow: Wizard?
Tom: Said he could find me a way home.
Scarecrow: Hey, do you think he could get me a brain, too?
(They start to walk away towards The Emeral City)
Tom: Yeah. Why not? I mean, he’s a wizard!
(Camera reveals a hunched figure dressed in a long black coat.)
Scarecrow: Oh boy! I can’t wait to go meet this wizard guy, and get a brain! Whoo! Yeah!
(Figure stands up, still wrapped in coat.)
(Scene cuts to a large wooden room with several chairs lined up in a row that leads to another hunched figure stirring a pot that is releasing green mist.)
(The first hunched figure, apparently a servant and now revealed fully, walks up to the stirring hunched figure, now clearly the Wicked Witch of the West.)
Servant: Your highness- an outsider has stolen your shoes. I saw him with my own eyes. Him and his… boyfriend or whatever are trying to get to the Wizard.
WWW: They won’t make it far.
(Scene cuts to a deserted city street. Tom and the Scarecrow are walking towards the camera.)
Tom: So you mean to tell me you don’t have any-
Scarecrow: Nope. No genitalia.
Tom: So it’s all just straw?
Scarecrow: Yep! Just straw.
Tom: So can I-?
Scarecrow: Nope.
Tom: All right. You don’t get out much, do you, scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Umm… nope. I’m tied to a pole. For most of my life.
Tom: So you’ve never, you know, gone out? Seen the world?
Scarecrow: Well, I’ve seen crows, and I’ve seen hay, and I’ve seen-
Tom: A robot!
Scarecrow: A robot? No.
Tom: A robot!
(Camera cuts to show a robot with an NES Advantage controller, a computer board, and a webcam attached to it standing frozen still.)
Scarecrow: Oh!
Robot: (In creepy layered voice) Turn me on!
Scarecrow: O-Okay.
(The scarecrow starts to rub himself suggestively. Toms backs away and walks towards the robot.)
Tom: Whoa-oh. I’m pretty sure he meant, uh, this.
(Tom flicks a switch on the NES Advantage controller on the robot. This turns it on.)
Robot: (In same voice as before) Thank you.
Tom: All right. What’s your deal?
Robot: (In normal voice) My deal? Oh, uh-
(A piece of paper prints out from a slit in the robot’s chest, and he pulls it out. He also starts a short loop on a keyboard, and hands it to Tom while he tries to catch the beat, and begins to sing The Robot’s Song.)
Scarecrow: Oh. Whoo! Uh, well, thanks for getting me down from there.
Tom: Yeah. No problem.
Scarecrow: Yeah! Well, uh, what do you want with me?
Tom: Well, uh, so you could tell me which way these roads go?
(The Scarecrow points down various paths)
Scarecrow: Ah, these roads. Well, that one there goes… to The Emerald City. That one over there, that goes to, uh, Neverland. Umm… You go that way, that’s Detroit.
Tom: Huh. Detroit.
Scarecrow: No, you don’t want to go there.
Tom: All right, well, little ways back, a bunch of little men told me I wanted to go to The Emerald City. See the Wizard.
Scarecrow: Wizard?
Tom: Said he could find me a way home.
Scarecrow: Hey, do you think he could get me a brain, too?
(They start to walk away towards The Emeral City)
Tom: Yeah. Why not? I mean, he’s a wizard!
(Camera reveals a hunched figure dressed in a long black coat.)
Scarecrow: Oh boy! I can’t wait to go meet this wizard guy, and get a brain! Whoo! Yeah!
(Figure stands up, still wrapped in coat.)
(Scene cuts to a large wooden room with several chairs lined up in a row that leads to another hunched figure stirring a pot that is releasing green mist.)
(The first hunched figure, apparently a servant and now revealed fully, walks up to the stirring hunched figure, now clearly the Wicked Witch of the West.)
Servant: Your highness- an outsider has stolen your shoes. I saw him with my own eyes. Him and his… boyfriend or whatever are trying to get to the Wizard.
WWW: They won’t make it far.
(Scene cuts to a deserted city street. Tom and the Scarecrow are walking towards the camera.)
Tom: So you mean to tell me you don’t have any-
Scarecrow: Nope. No genitalia.
Tom: So it’s all just straw?
Scarecrow: Yep! Just straw.
Tom: So can I-?
Scarecrow: Nope.
Tom: All right. You don’t get out much, do you, scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Umm… nope. I’m tied to a pole. For most of my life.
Tom: So you’ve never, you know, gone out? Seen the world?
Scarecrow: Well, I’ve seen crows, and I’ve seen hay, and I’ve seen-
Tom: A robot!
Scarecrow: A robot? No.
Tom: A robot!
(Camera cuts to show a robot with an NES Advantage controller, a computer board, and a webcam attached to it standing frozen still.)
Scarecrow: Oh!
Robot: (In creepy layered voice) Turn me on!
Scarecrow: O-Okay.
(The scarecrow starts to rub himself suggestively. Toms backs away and walks towards the robot.)
Tom: Whoa-oh. I’m pretty sure he meant, uh, this.
(Tom flicks a switch on the NES Advantage controller on the robot. This turns it on.)
Robot: (In same voice as before) Thank you.
Tom: All right. What’s your deal?
Robot: (In normal voice) My deal? Oh, uh-
(A piece of paper prints out from a slit in the robot’s chest, and he pulls it out. He also starts a short loop on a keyboard, and hands it to Tom while he tries to catch the beat, and begins to sing The Robot’s Song.)
Robot: I’m a robot
And I know not
Where I’m gonna find
A heart.
And my cravin’s
Got me stravin’
For something better
Than Wal-Mart.
But-
(The robot loses the beat, and stops awkwardly for a few measures.)
Robot: Wait, hold up…
(Tom looks around bored.)
(During the next verse, the scarecrow is clapping along happily.)
Robot: Wait, hold up…
(Tom looks around bored.)
(During the next verse, the scarecrow is clapping along happily.)
But then I got stuck
What with all of my luck
And I couldn’t move my parts
Now I’m free! I’m gonna get a heart!
So we’ll go see the Wizard,
Now I tell you, that’s the plan.
He’s gonna give us what we need,
And he’s really.. good at it…
Robot: All right, you get the picture.
Tom: So you know how to get to the Wizard?
Robot: Sure!
(Another sheet of paper prints out from the slit on the robot’s chest. He begins to read aloud.)
Robot: Travel 18 miles for about 45 minutes. One: head southeast on Yellow Brick Road for 7.3 miles. Two: turn left at the dark forest.
Tom: Uh, all right. All right. I think it’d be better if you just show us.
Robot: Oh, absitively posolutely! … That- that’s yes … in robot.
Tom: All right. let’s go.
(They walk off down a train track. Tom puts the keyboard down in the middle of the tracks.)
(The previous scene is now being viewed in the pot of green liquid the WWOW has. The WWOW stands up.)
WWOW: This is not good.
Servant: What shall we do, your wickedness?
WWOW: (gesturing at window) Prepare for assault!
(Tom, the scarecrow, and the robot are walking in the forest.)
Robot: So, why’re you heading for the Wizard?
Tom: (Pointing at scarecrow) He’s looking for, uh, genitals.
Scarecrow: A brain, actually.
Tom: Ah. Same thing.
(The camera reveals two black cloaked figures hiding in the woods, both with swords.)
Robot: Me- I’m looking for a heart.
Scarecrow: Awww.
(The two figures, now more clearly revealed to have angel wings and wearing latex masks, slowly creep towards the three.)
Tom: Uhh… I’m looking for a way-
(They are attacked by the two figures.)
Robot: Help! Help!
(One knocks to the ground, and then tries to stab the scarecrow, but he rolls to avoid it.)
(The camera reveals a character wearing sunglasses, sneakers, and a fur coat as Tom fends one of the monsters off with a punch. The character unsheathes a sword, and charges the monsters. He fights for a few seconds as the scarecrow and robot stare, amazed. Finally, a splatter of blood flies across the camera and onto a tree. Somehow, both monsters stand up and run away. He sheathes his sword.)
The robot and the scarecrow: (In unison) That was cool.
(The swordsman helps them up, and introduces himself. His lips do not match what he is saying.)
The Cowardly Lion: Greetings. You may call me the Cowardly Lion, so called for the cowardness which lines my very heart. I wish to apologise to you young men for my failings in protecting you from the forces of evil. For far too many years I have brought shame upon my family, hiding from confrontation like a wounded baby squirrel. Today, I only ask for your help in my quest to mend my soul, to sever fear from my being, to succeed the throne of bravery in which my ancestors once sat.
Scarecrow: You might be interested in coming with us to go see this wizard guy we’re gonna go see.
Tom: Yeah. You should, uh, come with us.
Robot: Yeah! He’ll fix you right up, and get you what you need!
Scarecrow: He’s gettin’ me a brain.
Tom: He’s gettin’ me out of here.
Robot: He’s gettin’ me a heart!
Tom: Yeah!
Scarecrow: Yeah!
Robot: Yeah!
All three: Yeah!
(The Cowardly Lion turns to the camera very dramatically.)
TCL: Yeah.
(They continue walking in the forest.)
Tom: God. How do you people stand this heat?
TCL: Catnaps, iced tea…
Scarecrow: A nice breeze every once in a while…
Robot: I feel nothing.
(They are now out of the forest.)
Tom: I wanna die. Have any of you guys ever even seen this Wizard?
Robot: Nobody’s ever seen the Wizard.
Tom: So where’d you all hear about him?
Robot: The internet.
TCL: From my sensei.
Scarecrow: From you, like 20 minutes ago.
Tom: but how do you guys even know he’s real? How do I know you guys are real?
Scarecrow: C’mon Tom. We gotta go see the Wizard, I’ll get my brain, he’ll get his heart, he’ll get his courage, and you’ll get-
Tom: God-DAMMIT! There is no Wizard!
Robot: Hey Tom!
Tom: WHAT?!?
Robot: You need to see this.
(Camera cuts to a white tower.)
(End of Part Two.)
Tom: So you know how to get to the Wizard?
Robot: Sure!
(Another sheet of paper prints out from the slit on the robot’s chest. He begins to read aloud.)
Robot: Travel 18 miles for about 45 minutes. One: head southeast on Yellow Brick Road for 7.3 miles. Two: turn left at the dark forest.
Tom: Uh, all right. All right. I think it’d be better if you just show us.
Robot: Oh, absitively posolutely! … That- that’s yes … in robot.
Tom: All right. let’s go.
(They walk off down a train track. Tom puts the keyboard down in the middle of the tracks.)
(The previous scene is now being viewed in the pot of green liquid the WWOW has. The WWOW stands up.)
WWOW: This is not good.
Servant: What shall we do, your wickedness?
WWOW: (gesturing at window) Prepare for assault!
(Tom, the scarecrow, and the robot are walking in the forest.)
Robot: So, why’re you heading for the Wizard?
Tom: (Pointing at scarecrow) He’s looking for, uh, genitals.
Scarecrow: A brain, actually.
Tom: Ah. Same thing.
(The camera reveals two black cloaked figures hiding in the woods, both with swords.)
Robot: Me- I’m looking for a heart.
Scarecrow: Awww.
(The two figures, now more clearly revealed to have angel wings and wearing latex masks, slowly creep towards the three.)
Tom: Uhh… I’m looking for a way-
(They are attacked by the two figures.)
Robot: Help! Help!
(One knocks to the ground, and then tries to stab the scarecrow, but he rolls to avoid it.)
(The camera reveals a character wearing sunglasses, sneakers, and a fur coat as Tom fends one of the monsters off with a punch. The character unsheathes a sword, and charges the monsters. He fights for a few seconds as the scarecrow and robot stare, amazed. Finally, a splatter of blood flies across the camera and onto a tree. Somehow, both monsters stand up and run away. He sheathes his sword.)
The robot and the scarecrow: (In unison) That was cool.
(The swordsman helps them up, and introduces himself. His lips do not match what he is saying.)
The Cowardly Lion: Greetings. You may call me the Cowardly Lion, so called for the cowardness which lines my very heart. I wish to apologise to you young men for my failings in protecting you from the forces of evil. For far too many years I have brought shame upon my family, hiding from confrontation like a wounded baby squirrel. Today, I only ask for your help in my quest to mend my soul, to sever fear from my being, to succeed the throne of bravery in which my ancestors once sat.
Scarecrow: You might be interested in coming with us to go see this wizard guy we’re gonna go see.
Tom: Yeah. You should, uh, come with us.
Robot: Yeah! He’ll fix you right up, and get you what you need!
Scarecrow: He’s gettin’ me a brain.
Tom: He’s gettin’ me out of here.
Robot: He’s gettin’ me a heart!
Tom: Yeah!
Scarecrow: Yeah!
Robot: Yeah!
All three: Yeah!
(The Cowardly Lion turns to the camera very dramatically.)
TCL: Yeah.
(They continue walking in the forest.)
Tom: God. How do you people stand this heat?
TCL: Catnaps, iced tea…
Scarecrow: A nice breeze every once in a while…
Robot: I feel nothing.
(They are now out of the forest.)
Tom: I wanna die. Have any of you guys ever even seen this Wizard?
Robot: Nobody’s ever seen the Wizard.
Tom: So where’d you all hear about him?
Robot: The internet.
TCL: From my sensei.
Scarecrow: From you, like 20 minutes ago.
Tom: but how do you guys even know he’s real? How do I know you guys are real?
Scarecrow: C’mon Tom. We gotta go see the Wizard, I’ll get my brain, he’ll get his heart, he’ll get his courage, and you’ll get-
Tom: God-DAMMIT! There is no Wizard!
Robot: Hey Tom!
Tom: WHAT?!?
Robot: You need to see this.
(Camera cuts to a white tower.)
(End of Part Two.)
Part Three
(The four walk towards the tower. They stop and look straight up.)
Tom: So you think this is where the Wizard lives?
(A giant green head appears on the tower. This is the Wizard.)
Wizard: Of course it is!
(A bolt of lightning shoots from the wizard and zaps the robot.)
Scarecrow: …Jesus?
Wizard: No!
(He zaps the robot again.)
Wizard: It is I! The great Wizard of the marvelous land of Oz!
Tom: Oz blows. Get me out of here.
Wizard: What? Who dares to ask me a direct question?
(He zaps the robot yet again.)
Robot: Why do you keep zapping me?
Wizard: Another direct question?
(He zaps the robot once more.)
Tom: Uh, we came here because-
Wizard: I know why you have come, and I plan on giving all of you exactly what you desire.
(The four cheer.)
Wizard: But first, you must complete one simple task.
Scarecrow: Sure! What is it?
Wizard: It’s incredibly easy.
TCL: Great. We’ll do it.
Wizard: It’s so easy, a caveman could do it. (He winks and a small “ting!” noise is made.)
Tom: All right, whatever, we’ll do it. So what’s the plan?
Wizard: You must break into the most heavily fortified fortress in all the land of Oz, and steal the most closely-guarded broom of the Wicked Witch of the West, the most powerful sorcerer to ever live in the land of Oz. All of this without being horribly mauled, defiled, maimed, and murdered.
(They are walking away, once more in the forest.)
Tom: Well, fuck that!
TCL: Tom, I have no doubt we’ll be able to do this.
Tom: Well, how about, instead of that, we break into the least heavily fortified liquor store in all the land and we all get hammered?
The robot, the scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion: (In unison) What’s liquor?
Tom: …Let’s get the fucking broom.
(They are now hiding behind a low wall next to a large concrete building filled with graffiti-covered tunnels.)
Tom: This must be the place. How do we get in?
(Camera pans to reveal the robot pointing at an open door.)
Robot: How about that door?
(They enter the door.)
Tom: What is this place?
Scarecrow: The witch’s… place.
(They creep through a dark graffiti-covered hallway. When they emerge in a similar room, they are attacked by two of the winged monsters from before.)
Robot: Waitwaitwaitwait- why should we be so worried? They don’t even have any weapons or anything!
Tom: Oh yeah!
(The two monsters display their ability to shoot fire from their hands.)
Tom: Okay… let’s go! Yep. Wherever you want.
(They are taken out of the room by the monsters into a depression in a courtyard.)
(Loud footsteps approach, and are soon shown to be attached to a menacing figure walking in a hallway- the Wicked Witch of the West himself. He grabs a crystal ball and a broom as he approaches. The two monsters stand with their arms crossed as he makes it up to the area where they are. He is wearing very large shoes- the cause of the loud footsteps. He throws the ball in the air and catches it, and simply stands there.)
Robot: SAY SOMETHING.
WWOW: (Laughs.)
Tom: Ahem. We came for your broom. Can we uh, can we have you broom?
(Music begins to play, and the witch sings the Wicked Witch’s Song. The sequence is composed mostly of random images floating, distorted, in the background. At varying times in the sequence, he is holding a tambourine, a keyboard, a saw, a saxophone, an elephant-head puppet, and many other random items, as well as twirling his broom and throwing his crystal ball up and catching it. The two monsters have an accordion and an electric guitar for most of the song. The unwilling audience mostly sit looking bored.)
Tom: So you think this is where the Wizard lives?
(A giant green head appears on the tower. This is the Wizard.)
Wizard: Of course it is!
(A bolt of lightning shoots from the wizard and zaps the robot.)
Scarecrow: …Jesus?
Wizard: No!
(He zaps the robot again.)
Wizard: It is I! The great Wizard of the marvelous land of Oz!
Tom: Oz blows. Get me out of here.
Wizard: What? Who dares to ask me a direct question?
(He zaps the robot yet again.)
Robot: Why do you keep zapping me?
Wizard: Another direct question?
(He zaps the robot once more.)
Tom: Uh, we came here because-
Wizard: I know why you have come, and I plan on giving all of you exactly what you desire.
(The four cheer.)
Wizard: But first, you must complete one simple task.
Scarecrow: Sure! What is it?
Wizard: It’s incredibly easy.
TCL: Great. We’ll do it.
Wizard: It’s so easy, a caveman could do it. (He winks and a small “ting!” noise is made.)
Tom: All right, whatever, we’ll do it. So what’s the plan?
Wizard: You must break into the most heavily fortified fortress in all the land of Oz, and steal the most closely-guarded broom of the Wicked Witch of the West, the most powerful sorcerer to ever live in the land of Oz. All of this without being horribly mauled, defiled, maimed, and murdered.
(They are walking away, once more in the forest.)
Tom: Well, fuck that!
TCL: Tom, I have no doubt we’ll be able to do this.
Tom: Well, how about, instead of that, we break into the least heavily fortified liquor store in all the land and we all get hammered?
The robot, the scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion: (In unison) What’s liquor?
Tom: …Let’s get the fucking broom.
(They are now hiding behind a low wall next to a large concrete building filled with graffiti-covered tunnels.)
Tom: This must be the place. How do we get in?
(Camera pans to reveal the robot pointing at an open door.)
Robot: How about that door?
(They enter the door.)
Tom: What is this place?
Scarecrow: The witch’s… place.
(They creep through a dark graffiti-covered hallway. When they emerge in a similar room, they are attacked by two of the winged monsters from before.)
Robot: Waitwaitwaitwait- why should we be so worried? They don’t even have any weapons or anything!
Tom: Oh yeah!
(The two monsters display their ability to shoot fire from their hands.)
Tom: Okay… let’s go! Yep. Wherever you want.
(They are taken out of the room by the monsters into a depression in a courtyard.)
(Loud footsteps approach, and are soon shown to be attached to a menacing figure walking in a hallway- the Wicked Witch of the West himself. He grabs a crystal ball and a broom as he approaches. The two monsters stand with their arms crossed as he makes it up to the area where they are. He is wearing very large shoes- the cause of the loud footsteps. He throws the ball in the air and catches it, and simply stands there.)
Robot: SAY SOMETHING.
WWOW: (Laughs.)
Tom: Ahem. We came for your broom. Can we uh, can we have you broom?
(Music begins to play, and the witch sings the Wicked Witch’s Song. The sequence is composed mostly of random images floating, distorted, in the background. At varying times in the sequence, he is holding a tambourine, a keyboard, a saw, a saxophone, an elephant-head puppet, and many other random items, as well as twirling his broom and throwing his crystal ball up and catching it. The two monsters have an accordion and an electric guitar for most of the song. The unwilling audience mostly sit looking bored.)
WWOW: Oh joy, today has gone just as I planned.
And now you’re in the palm of my hand
I’m known here as a witch,
Who’s evil, mad, and rich.
It seems that you have broken my law.
You’ev got some shoes belonging to me, myself, and moi.
And now you seek my broom,
An act of suicide
I would presume.
Dear children
Tell me why you want to spoil my day
You’ve come so far to steal my pride away.
If only you had known the things I do
To people like you. Ooh-ooh. Oo-ooh.
I’m rather fond of poking new holes.
My iron maiden’s hungry for souls.
And whips I can’t deny-
The classics never die.
Dear children-
Tell me why you want to spoil my day
You’ve come so far to steal my pride away.
If only you had known the things I do
To people like you. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh.
Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh.
Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh.
(Tom cuts the song a few seconds short by throwing a bucket of water on the witch.)
WWOW: Why did you do that?
Scarecrow: She must be weakened by water!
(TCL unsheathes his sword.)
WWOW: That was a dick thing to do!
(WWOW is slain by TCL. Her/his hat flies into the air, and his/her crystal ball falls from their hand. Tom pulls the broom from their hand.)
Tom: All right. Let’s get outta here.
(They all walk away. The two monsters look after them for a few seconds, and the one with the accordion plays two notes.)
(End of Part Three.)
WWOW: Why did you do that?
Scarecrow: She must be weakened by water!
(TCL unsheathes his sword.)
WWOW: That was a dick thing to do!
(WWOW is slain by TCL. Her/his hat flies into the air, and his/her crystal ball falls from their hand. Tom pulls the broom from their hand.)
Tom: All right. Let’s get outta here.
(They all walk away. The two monsters look after them for a few seconds, and the one with the accordion plays two notes.)
(End of Part Three.)
Part Four
(The four walk up to the Wizard’s tower.)
Tom: All right. We got the witch’s stinkin’ broom!
(TCL holds up the witch’s severed head.)
TCL: And his head.
Wizard: Yes! I can see that, and now you are one step closer to achieving your goals.
(The four groan.)
Tom: I thought you said all we had to do was get the fuckin’ broom!
Wizard: That is correct, but the broom itself is useless without the stone of destiny, guarded by the powerful ice queen Ismelda on the highest mountain in the darkest corner of the underworld.
(At this point, the four are clearly losing interest. The scarecrow wanders off.)
Wizard: Before that, you need to secure an energy shield with enough photonetrons to recallibrate all of your power crystals…
(The scarecrow is seen walking around the tower, passing a bottle of water on a ledge.)
Wizard: …Which can be found in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. But first-
(The scarecrow has found a blanket covering something. He rips it off to reveal the “Wizard” talking into a camcorder.)
Wizard: Pay no attention to the man… under the blanket.
Robot: What?
(The scarecrow pulls the wizard towards the other three.)
Scarecrow: He’s not really a wizard.
Robot: Fuck!
Tom: (Lying on ground and drinking) Naihimmelef…
Wizard: Yes, yes, it’s true… I’m not actually a (making finger gesticulations) wizard.
TCL: (Brandishing sword) That means we can kill him!
Wizard: No! No! You can’t… mpf… I- I may not be a (making same finger gesticulations as before) wizard by trade, but even though I… lied to you, technically, doesn’t mean that you haven’t gotten the things you wanted through the bonds you forged of friendship! Like, (to scarecrow) you! You’ve got your brain now! (To robot) And your… heart. (To TCL) And your… courage! Metaphyically speaking.
Tom: Metaphorically.
Wizard: Metaphorically speaking, too! It’s all good!
Tom: So you mean you’re not gonna give us anything?
Wizard: Oh, things? You want things? I’ve got things, I can give you things! Wait right there. Hold on…
(The wizard limps away behind the stone wall. He comes back with a large garbage bag.)
Wizard: I’ve got things! All sorts of things!
(The wizard stops in front of the scarecrow and reaches into the bag.)
Wizard: Wise scarecrow! Who needs a brain physically, (He pulls a framed document from the bag and gives it to the scarecrow) when you’ve got a G.E.D.!
Scarecrow: Wow! (Reading the document very quickly) The commonwealth of Oz board of education certifies that the scarecrow has presented satisfactory evidence to this department of having acquired the equivalency of a high school education, and in testimony thereof is awarded this high school equivalency diploma! Joy! Rapture! I have a G.E.D.!
Wizard: And you, young robot! You long for a heart, but that same longing prooves you have emotion, for longing is an emotion! You don’t need a heart, (Pulling a Windows software disc and manual from the bag) what you need is a better operating system! Here (He hands it to the robot). Take that, and enjoy!
Robot: Neato Mosquito.
Wizard: And you, the Cowardly Lion! You desire courage, though I don’t really know why, as you had to kill a whole lot of people to get here… You’re pretty stoic. But, um, here- (He pulls a bowling trophy from the bag and gives it to TCL) have a trophy.
TCL: …It’s a bowling trophy.
Wizard: Yes. Show it to some chicks or something. Way to go.
(The wizard turns and starts to walk away.)
Wizard: Well, my work here is done! No more use for me, I’ve got to get going…
Tom: Whoa, whoa, hold on there! You didn’t do shit for me.
Wizard: Heh heh heh, well, you see, you have a very special gift, my friend.
Tom: Oh yeah?
Wizard: You have dy-
(The wizard turns, throws the garbage bag at Tom, and runs away down a hill and across a field.)
(Tom stares, disappinted and confused. He sits down on a step.)
Tom: Great. Goddammit, what do I do now?
Scarecrow: Aww, sorry, that sucks man.
Robot: Yeah Tom. That really, that really stinks. But, um, I’m gonna get going.
Scarecrow: Yeah, me too.
TCL: Do you guys want to go bowling?
(The scarecrow and robot both agree. They all say goodbye to Tom, and simply walk away.)
Tom: *sigh* Fuckin’ fantasy world bastards…
(A purple bubble of light travels down and lands on the ground, revealing Glinda, the good witch.)
Tom: …Whoa.
Glinda: Greetings, young man! I am Glinda, the good witch!
Tom: You drive a bubble?
Glinda: I’ve been watching your journey, and I must say I am very much impressed! I’m here to help you, Tom!
Tom: Wait, so you could have helped me at any point? Why the hell didn’t you?
Glinda: I don’t know! But listen Tom, the thing that you’ve been looking for this entire time have been with you all along.
(Tom looks at his flask.)
Glinda: No! The shoes, you silly goose!
Tom: What about ‘em?
Glinda: Well, they’re enchanted. All you have to do is click them together three times and say “there’s no place like home.”
(Tom stands up and clicks his heels three times.)
Tom: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
(Nothing happens.)
Tom: This isn’t working.
Glinda: No, no! Click them together again, and say “there’s no place like home.” That should bring you home.
Tom: …I’m homeless.
Glinda: Oh. That is a problem…
Tom: Yeah. I just want to get the hell outta here.
Glinda: Okay, maybe I can help you out after all. Stand over there and close your eyes.
(Tom does so.)
(Glinda waves her wand and a large weight that reads “500 LBS” falls from the sky and hits Tom on the head, knocking him unconscious. The screen blacks out and Tom awakens in the bar.)
Mick: C’mon buddy, c’mon pal, wake up, don’t do this, there we go! He’s okay. Here, c’mon, let’s get up. You got all tipsy, and knocked your head on the back wall. (He helps Tom up) Plus, I think you kind of pissed yourself, but you look all right…
Tom: I had the weirdest dream…
(The camera pans past several of the actors from the Oz sequences.)
Tom: None of you were in it, though.
(Tom sits down at the bar.)
Mick: You want anything?
Tom: Just give me a- uh…
(The camera pans past two of the actors again.)
Tom: Fresca.
Mick: No, we don’t have any Fresca.
Tom: Anything, uh, non-alcoholic?
Mick: Nope.
Tom: All right, I’ll have a bottle of pure alcohol.
(Tom slumps down on the bar table. The camera then goes back the corner where Jake was playing guitar. He is there again, playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.)
(End of Part Four.)
Tom: All right. We got the witch’s stinkin’ broom!
(TCL holds up the witch’s severed head.)
TCL: And his head.
Wizard: Yes! I can see that, and now you are one step closer to achieving your goals.
(The four groan.)
Tom: I thought you said all we had to do was get the fuckin’ broom!
Wizard: That is correct, but the broom itself is useless without the stone of destiny, guarded by the powerful ice queen Ismelda on the highest mountain in the darkest corner of the underworld.
(At this point, the four are clearly losing interest. The scarecrow wanders off.)
Wizard: Before that, you need to secure an energy shield with enough photonetrons to recallibrate all of your power crystals…
(The scarecrow is seen walking around the tower, passing a bottle of water on a ledge.)
Wizard: …Which can be found in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. But first-
(The scarecrow has found a blanket covering something. He rips it off to reveal the “Wizard” talking into a camcorder.)
Wizard: Pay no attention to the man… under the blanket.
Robot: What?
(The scarecrow pulls the wizard towards the other three.)
Scarecrow: He’s not really a wizard.
Robot: Fuck!
Tom: (Lying on ground and drinking) Naihimmelef…
Wizard: Yes, yes, it’s true… I’m not actually a (making finger gesticulations) wizard.
TCL: (Brandishing sword) That means we can kill him!
Wizard: No! No! You can’t… mpf… I- I may not be a (making same finger gesticulations as before) wizard by trade, but even though I… lied to you, technically, doesn’t mean that you haven’t gotten the things you wanted through the bonds you forged of friendship! Like, (to scarecrow) you! You’ve got your brain now! (To robot) And your… heart. (To TCL) And your… courage! Metaphyically speaking.
Tom: Metaphorically.
Wizard: Metaphorically speaking, too! It’s all good!
Tom: So you mean you’re not gonna give us anything?
Wizard: Oh, things? You want things? I’ve got things, I can give you things! Wait right there. Hold on…
(The wizard limps away behind the stone wall. He comes back with a large garbage bag.)
Wizard: I’ve got things! All sorts of things!
(The wizard stops in front of the scarecrow and reaches into the bag.)
Wizard: Wise scarecrow! Who needs a brain physically, (He pulls a framed document from the bag and gives it to the scarecrow) when you’ve got a G.E.D.!
Scarecrow: Wow! (Reading the document very quickly) The commonwealth of Oz board of education certifies that the scarecrow has presented satisfactory evidence to this department of having acquired the equivalency of a high school education, and in testimony thereof is awarded this high school equivalency diploma! Joy! Rapture! I have a G.E.D.!
Wizard: And you, young robot! You long for a heart, but that same longing prooves you have emotion, for longing is an emotion! You don’t need a heart, (Pulling a Windows software disc and manual from the bag) what you need is a better operating system! Here (He hands it to the robot). Take that, and enjoy!
Robot: Neato Mosquito.
Wizard: And you, the Cowardly Lion! You desire courage, though I don’t really know why, as you had to kill a whole lot of people to get here… You’re pretty stoic. But, um, here- (He pulls a bowling trophy from the bag and gives it to TCL) have a trophy.
TCL: …It’s a bowling trophy.
Wizard: Yes. Show it to some chicks or something. Way to go.
(The wizard turns and starts to walk away.)
Wizard: Well, my work here is done! No more use for me, I’ve got to get going…
Tom: Whoa, whoa, hold on there! You didn’t do shit for me.
Wizard: Heh heh heh, well, you see, you have a very special gift, my friend.
Tom: Oh yeah?
Wizard: You have dy-
(The wizard turns, throws the garbage bag at Tom, and runs away down a hill and across a field.)
(Tom stares, disappinted and confused. He sits down on a step.)
Tom: Great. Goddammit, what do I do now?
Scarecrow: Aww, sorry, that sucks man.
Robot: Yeah Tom. That really, that really stinks. But, um, I’m gonna get going.
Scarecrow: Yeah, me too.
TCL: Do you guys want to go bowling?
(The scarecrow and robot both agree. They all say goodbye to Tom, and simply walk away.)
Tom: *sigh* Fuckin’ fantasy world bastards…
(A purple bubble of light travels down and lands on the ground, revealing Glinda, the good witch.)
Tom: …Whoa.
Glinda: Greetings, young man! I am Glinda, the good witch!
Tom: You drive a bubble?
Glinda: I’ve been watching your journey, and I must say I am very much impressed! I’m here to help you, Tom!
Tom: Wait, so you could have helped me at any point? Why the hell didn’t you?
Glinda: I don’t know! But listen Tom, the thing that you’ve been looking for this entire time have been with you all along.
(Tom looks at his flask.)
Glinda: No! The shoes, you silly goose!
Tom: What about ‘em?
Glinda: Well, they’re enchanted. All you have to do is click them together three times and say “there’s no place like home.”
(Tom stands up and clicks his heels three times.)
Tom: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
(Nothing happens.)
Tom: This isn’t working.
Glinda: No, no! Click them together again, and say “there’s no place like home.” That should bring you home.
Tom: …I’m homeless.
Glinda: Oh. That is a problem…
Tom: Yeah. I just want to get the hell outta here.
Glinda: Okay, maybe I can help you out after all. Stand over there and close your eyes.
(Tom does so.)
(Glinda waves her wand and a large weight that reads “500 LBS” falls from the sky and hits Tom on the head, knocking him unconscious. The screen blacks out and Tom awakens in the bar.)
Mick: C’mon buddy, c’mon pal, wake up, don’t do this, there we go! He’s okay. Here, c’mon, let’s get up. You got all tipsy, and knocked your head on the back wall. (He helps Tom up) Plus, I think you kind of pissed yourself, but you look all right…
Tom: I had the weirdest dream…
(The camera pans past several of the actors from the Oz sequences.)
Tom: None of you were in it, though.
(Tom sits down at the bar.)
Mick: You want anything?
Tom: Just give me a- uh…
(The camera pans past two of the actors again.)
Tom: Fresca.
Mick: No, we don’t have any Fresca.
Tom: Anything, uh, non-alcoholic?
Mick: Nope.
Tom: All right, I’ll have a bottle of pure alcohol.
(Tom slumps down on the bar table. The camera then goes back the corner where Jake was playing guitar. He is there again, playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.)
(End of Part Four.)
Part Five
(Credits roll as first Tom, and then various characters sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.)
Tom: Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There’s a land that I heard of
Once in a lullabye
Neil: ONE TWO THREE FOUR!
Everyone: Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can’t I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?
Neil: ONE TWO THREE FOUR!
Everyone: Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Neil: Yay.
Emmy: That was cute.
Jake: That was terrible.
Emmy: That was cute.
Jake: That was terrible.
Trivia
- The gender of the witch is highly debatable, due to the combination of female title and male actor. This is also confounded by what the characters say, as the wizard and Cowardly Lion seem to believe the witch male, but the other characters believe him/her female.
- The robot has an NES Advantage controller attached to his shoulder.
- The robot, scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion don’t know what liquor is, even though the munchkins in part one said that Tom stinks of booze.
- Every main character except for the scarecrow swears at some point
- The only line the Cowardly Lion has in which his lips move with what he is saying is when the Wizard gives him a bowling trophy.
