New Kids on the Rock: Ryan's Christmas Wish
Stephan: This Christmas is gonna be SO GOOD!
Anthony: Yeah! It’s gonna be the best Christmas EVER!
Old Man: Hmm. I wouldn’t be so presumptuous, my little friends.
Old Man: Heheheh. No, no, my grandchild. Presumptuous. I’m wondering if it’s possible to beat the best Christmas ever. I speak of a time, many years ago. Have either of you ever heard of… the New Kids on the Rock?
Both children: The… WHO Kids on the Rock?
Old Man: The New Kids on the Rock. They were three bright fellows, they were. Workin’ their darndest on movies, back when the movie studio in Plymouth was just getting its start. They worked together on many projects, all trying their hardest to make people happy…
(He pulls a book from beneath the chair and reads the entries out loud. The children smile extremely happily.)
Old Man: They also found themselves occasionally fighting off the forces of evil, too. There was Neil, a bright young fellow with as many talents as he had ideas! Behind those glasses, he saw the world in a wonderful way. Kevin James, a young man with more determination and compassion than you could imagine. Now there was an American for you! Always trying to better the world around him.
(He turns to the page on Ryan Murphy, which reads “Ryan, a fervent animal rights activist and convicted carjacker. In his den he had a most impressive collection of wizard statues and out-of-print religious texts. Neither of the other New Kids could remember how they actually met Ryan. He’d spend winters in a secret chamber, emerging only to crow at the rising sun.” He skips the page and continues his story.)
Old Man: Yes, those were some fellers.
Stephan: What did the New Kids on the Rock have to do with Christmas, grandpa?
Old Man: That there’s an excellent question, young Stephan. Why don’t you and Anthony take a seat and I’ll tell you just why they made Christmas so special so many years ago. Now then, where do I begin? Where do I begin… Ah, here we are! It all started back at the clubhouse for the New Kids on the Rock.
(Cut to the clubhouse. Ryan is making cookies.)
Ryan: Ah! Boy guys, I sure am excited for our winter break!
Neil: (wrapping himself in Christmas lights) Yeah! Three whole weeks of doing nothing but getting ready for Christmas! What more could a boy want?
Kevin: Yeah! It’ll be great to get some work done at the clubhouse!
Ryan: Cookies are ready, everybody! Hope you enjoy ‘em!
(Neil and Kevin grab for cookies.)
Ryan: Now Kevin, remember that you have to chew.
(Kevin begins to choke.)
Ryan: Kevin! Oh my god, he’s choking!
Neil: I don’t know what to do! Somebody help him!
(A dog that was previously eating jumps into action and tackles Kevin, making him spit up the cookie into a garbage can.)
Neil and Ryan: Rocky!
Kevin: Good job, pup.
Ryan: Rocky makes us so happy!
Neil: She sure does!
Misery Meister: Someone’s happy in Plymouth? RAAAWST! Every year it’s the same thing! People being happy every Christmas. Like these three fools, for example. Always playing with that filthy mongrel. Why, they’re always spreading joy to everyone that they meet, and I just can’t stand it! …Wait a moment. The dog. Yes, Rocky was it?
(He taps on a mini piano keyboard and clicks a mouse. The screen shows a square zooming in on Rocky, labeled “LOCATING SOURCE OF JOY: ” and then “NAME: ROCKY. MISERABLE MUTT.”)
Misery Meister: If I take away the dog, I take away their happiness. Then, I take away their ability to make others happy. Why didn’t I think of this before? Oh, you New Kids on the Rock, I’ll see to it that tonight is your final evening of peace and joy. Forever. For I… am the Misery Meister! Buahahahaha!
(The New Kids and Rocky are walking through a snowy forest.)
Neil: How ‘bout that tree, guys?
Kevin: Too tall.
Neil: Uhh, that one?
Ryan: Too fat.
Neil: How ‘bout that one?
Kevin: That’s a rock.
Ryan: There’s our tree!
(A small, skinny tree is shown.)
Neil: Wow! She’s beautiful, huh guys?
Ryan: Remarkable. Must be ages old.
Kevin: Yeah, no kidding. Well, let’s get choppin’ her!
(Ryan spray paints and X on the tree. The camera shifts to Rocky.)
Misery Meister: Psst! Pssst! Here, Rocky! I’m just a helpful hand, offering you a hot dog! Would you like a hot dog? Oh yes you would! Yes, you cannibalistic fool! A hot dog, with a cough syrup marinade to put you into a deep slumber!
Misery Meister: Come, come.
(He runs off with the dog.)
Kevin: Boy, I can’t wait to get this sucker home!
Ryan: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s Rocky?
Neil: Ryan’s right.
(They all call for Rocky.)
(The image shifts back to the house from the intro. The children are crying.)
Old Man: No! Calm down, kids! It’s okay! It’ll be fine! Don’t worry about it! Everything will be okay! No, seriously! The story isn’t even halfway over yet. Just let me finish, okay? I swear, it’ll be fine.
Old Man: The New Kids on the Rock weren’t going to give up on their dog so quick! They set immediately to find their puppy.
(The image changes to a generic news broadcast, complete with titles and running feet. The titles and running feet will be transcribed in the trivia section.)
Rosalita: I’m Rosalita Sanchez, here with Ryan Murphy, part of Plymouth’s film making team, the New Kids on the Rock. Now Ryan, it’s come to our attention that you and your friends have recently lost your dog. Is this correct?
Ryan: That’s correct, Rosie. Our little pup Rocky was recently wrongly taken from us.
Rosalita: That’s terrible to hear. And so close to Christmas, too.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah we’re really hurting at home.
Rosalita: Now, are you prepared to offer a reward for the return of your dog?
Ryan: Most certainly. We are prepared to offer a reward to anyone with any information pertinent to the retrieval of Rocky, up to 8 million dollars.
Kevin: No, no, no. We are prepared to offer 8 BILLION dollars for the return of our dog.
(Camera shows that the Misery Meister is watching.)
Neil: (eating a banana) Eight- eight trillion dollars.
Misery Meister: Ah. How quite-ulant. Those perilous fools have no idea where their precious mutt resides. How do like it here on Misery Mountain, my dear?
Misery Meister: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Neil: … to get Rocky back.
Rosalita: Uh, can you describe her?
Kevin: Oh, uh, well, she’s cute, she’s got four legs, uh, uh, one tail, uh, doesn’t talk-
(Ryan grabs away the mic)
Ryan: We have a picture!
(Ryan pulls out a scratchy drawing of a dog.)
Neil: Oh yeah. Now, this is drawn to scale. She’s got four legs, as mentioned previously and she’s really cute and wonderful. We’re just- we’re dying here. We need our dog back.
Kevin: The colors are inaccurate, she’s really black and white.
Neil: If you have seen this dog, please report to the police or the president immediately.
(A montage begins. The New Kids are all very depressed. Kevin eats a cookie and starts to choke. Neil and Ryan cry and hug each other as Kevin suffocates. Ryan is looking through a chest. he pulls out the communicator wristwatch, a New Kids on the Rock DVD, and a book labeled “Heartbreaking Memories.” It is a photo album of pictures of the New Kids and Rocky having fun. Ryan then pulls out a doll’s head. He stops, cheers up, and pulls out a top hat.)
(Neil is patting Kevin on the back. Kevin seems to be recovering from choking.)
Ryan: Gentlemen, I think we have our answer.
Kevin: Ryan, you’re a genius! I can’t believe you still have it!
Neil: (Holding up a plunger) Friends, let’s don our snow pants!
(They make a snowman outside. Ryan places the hat upon it, and the snowman comes to life.)
Kevin and Ryan: FROSTY!
Frosty: It’s been forever, guys!
Kevin: It’s good to see you again, Frosty.
Ryan: And not a moment too soon, I’m afraid.
Frosty: Well what’s wrong, fellas?
Neil: It’s our dog, Frosty.
Kevin: It’s our pup, Rocky. She’s been dognapped.
Ryan: And we don’t know where she is.
Frosty: Hmm. Wait a minute! I know what we can do! We can channel your happiness!
All three: What?!
Frosty: Channel your happiness into me! When you do, I can tap into your combined joy to zero in on her! The focus of your love!
Kevin: Holy crap!
Ryan: Yeah! I’m okay with this!
Neil: Let’s do this, guys! For Rocky!
Kevin: Put ‘em in there!
(They join hands.)
Frosty: Think of Rocky, your long lost dog.
(The three begin to look saddened.)
Frosty: No crying. Happy thoughts!
(They begin to remember cheerful moments. Kevin remembers playing frisbee, and a stream of blue hearts shoots from him. Neil remembers feeding Rocky a cheeseburger, and shoots yellow hearts. Ryan remembers having his face licked, and shoots red hearts. Frosty’s eyes glow.)
Frosty: I’ve got her, guys! Hop on! Quickly, grab onto my thorax!
(The New Kids grab on and Frosty blasts off like a rocket. They crash land on Misery Mountain.)
Kevin: All right, guys. Let’s get our dog back.
Neil: Yeah. Wait, hang on. Shouldn’t we bring Frosty?
(Frosty is lying face down and unmoving.)
Kevin: Ahh, he looks kind of tired.
Ryan: One might say he were passed out… cold?
Neil: Yeah let’s just go get our dog.
(They run off.)
Ryan: Cold? ‘Cause he’s a snowman? Get it?
(They burst into the Misery Meister’s home.)
Kevin: Hey! Give us back our dog!
(Kevin and Ryan are holding rocks. Neil has a branch that has some berries on it.)
Misery Meister: Well, well, well. Well. The New Kids on the Rock. You have no idea what powers you have unearthed by coming here.
Ryan: We’re not afraid of you, you creep!
Neil: Oh boy! Ryan’s gonna beat him up!
Misery Meister: A creep, am I? You insignificant, meddling fools have no idea who I am, do you?
Kevin: No! We don’t!
Misery Meister: Well then!
(He snaps and music begins to play.)
I’m the Misery Meister,
Master of the mean
I’m a mad old, miserable
I don’t mind
But merriment and mirth
Are much maligned
You meddling morons
And your mangy old mutt
Will be made into mincemeat
And the best laid plans
Of men and mice!
Misery Meister: Oh, I see. Well, it seems like you’ve gotten yourselves all worked up. Then perhaps you should just… CHILL OUT!
(He zaps Ryan with a beam of ice and freezes him solid. Kevin and Neil scream and run away.)
Misery Meister: Yes, run fools. Run! HAHAHA! Your dog is mine now! HAHA! And so’s your friend Ryan.
Kevin: Hey Neil, what about this dog? She’s black and white, and if we just bleached that one spot, she’d look just like Rocky.
Neil: Oh yeah. And hey, look, in the classifieds- here’s an Irish guy. Yeah!
Kevin: What are we doing?
Neil: I don’t know. We’re- we’re helpless. We need Ryan and Rocky.
Kevin: That Misery Meister guy has all those powers, though. We just have to get Ryan and Rocky back. Maybe if we just… think hard enough.
Neil: Wait a minute. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Kevin: Yes I am.
(Cut to Misery Mountain. Neil and Kevin are there with a hair dryer.)
Neil: I hope they’ll let me return this at the store.
Kevin: I’m sure they will, Neil. All right, I’m gonna go find Rocky. Good luck with Ryan.
Neil: Okay. Godspeed.
Kevin: See ya.
(Neil runs up to frozen Ryan.)
Neil: Ryan, I’m gonna get you out of this place.
(He starts defrosting Ryan. Kevin is searching for Rocky.)
Kevin: Rocky? Rocky? Rocky!
Kevin: Rocky! Oh, good girl! Come here, come here! I’m so sorry we let that mean man take you away. We’re gonna get you and Ryan out of here. Let’s go find Neil. C’mon.
(Ryan is gasping and holding on to Neil for support.)
Ryan: Thank you, Neil. Thank you.
Neil: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Kevin: Hey guys.
Kevin: I got Rocky. Let’s get out of here, okay?
Ryan: Wait! The Misery Meister!
Misery Meister: Well, well, well. Well. It seems that your foolish brilliance has allowed you to undo my freezing spell. Oh and look! You’ve found your little pooch! A pity all your work has been in vain, though, for I hold all the cards. Metaphorically speaking.
Kevin: Listen here, you misery moron; we’re getting out of here.
Neil: Yeah. With Ryan AND Rocky.
Misery Meister: Oh, is that so? Then I suppose you won’t mind leaving behind the DNA N-type(?) cultures I took from Ryan’s hair samples!
All three: NO!
Misery Meister: I created THIS.
(He holds up a small vial of yellow fluid.)
Misery Meister: This elixir is the very essence of non-happiness. Soon you will all return to a world of anxiety, loss, depression, and no joy for anyone!
Ryan: You… monster!
Misery Meister: There’s but one loose thread to take care of.
(He pulls out a gun.)
Misery Meister: That, is the three of you. No games this time, you hateful ingrates. It all ends here for you three miscreants and your four-legged friend. Merry Christmas, New Kids on the Rock. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(He fires the gun.)
Neil: Back at ya!
(Neil grabs a mirror and somehow reflects the bullet back at the Misery Meister.)
Misery Meister: My heart. My heart….
(He collapses into himself and explodes. The New Kids cheer, high five, and celebrate.)
(The New Kids and Frosty are now having a Christmas party as the Old Man narrates. Neil gives Frosty the hairdryer with a bow attached. Frosty seems displeased, but cheers up.)
Old Man: And that was the best god damned Christmas ever. The New Kids had saved Christmas, Rocky and Ryan from the Misery Meister’s dastardly plans. Those humble old chums saw to it that he’d never meist misery again. From that Christmas on, Kevin Neil and Ryan made sure they’d never forget just how important the holidays were. Not because of the gifts, the decorations, or the shoddy Christmas specials. No, Christmas was a time to celebrate friendship and togetherness. A time to remember what I truly important in life: each other
(Cut back to the house. The old man ha finished his book.)
Stephan: They did it! They saved Rocky!
Old Man: Indeed they did.
Anthony: I’m hungry.
Old Man: Oh my god, it’s four in the morning! We’ve got to get you kids to bed!
(The old man has tucked his grandchildren in.)
Old Man: Yes, young Stephan?
Stephan: Is this Christmas really gonna be great?
(The old man is revealed to be an aged Kevin.)
Kevin: I’m sure it will be, my grandson. I’m sure it will.
(Old Kevin is standing at Plymouth Rock.)
Neil: Hello, old friend!
(Neil and Ryan arrive. Ryan is in a wheelchair and has an eyepatch.)
Kevin: I certainly am an old friend, aren’t I? How you doin’, Ryan?
Ryan: *incoherent mumbling*
Kevin: Good to hear, old friend. Good to hear.
Neil: Have you been waiting long, Kevin?
Kevin: No, not too long. Though I suppose time has been passing me by a little quicker these days…
Ryan: *incoherent mumbling*
Neil: Ryan says, “sorry, we’re not a fast as we used to be.”
Kevin: Hey, don’t worry fellas. I wasn’t going anywhere quick. Say, you gentlemen don’t remember the Misery Meister, do you?
Neil: Oh, that old clod-hoppin’ Scrooge!
Ryan: *incoherent mumbling* *spit*
Neil: He never understood the true meaning of Christmas.
(They begin to walk away, and stop and look down.)
Kevin: She was a good friend, wasn’t she?
Neil: Always there for us.
Ryan: *incoherent mumbling*
(The camera shows a tombstone that reads “ROCKY. She was a good friend, always there for us. 1971-2038.)
Kevin: Say, you fellas don’t wanna go watch some of the old pictures we used to make, do you?
Neil: What did you have in mind?
Kevin: Oh, nothing in particular really. Just… something to pass the time I suppose. What was that… website thingy we used to make movies for?
Neil: It was.. H-T-T-Steve-pop-smoke-
Kevin: No, it was H-3-3-key-cot- no… Wait, hold on, I know this one.
(Kevin and Neil walk away, leaving Ryan alone. Christmas Dog begins to play. Credits roll.)
- Despite being called “Ryan’s Christmas Wish,” Ryan never makes any kind of wish in the entire video.
- The titles and running feet during the broadcast read as follows:
- Rosalita Sanchez, Plymouth News
- Ryan Murphy, New “Kid on the Rock”
- Neil Ciecegera, New “Kid on the Rock”
- Kevin James, New “Kid on the Rock”
- Running feet
- Human remains discovered in chamber beneath Plymouth Rock
- Shoppers riot as “New Kids” action figures make record sales
- Kidnapping and attempted homicide blamed on Bigfoot
- Local man saves Christmas, scared stupid
- “Misery Mountain” declared historical landmark
- Presidential pajama party canceled
- Meteorologists predicting enchanted snowfall later
- (cut off)ic language
- Sleigh ride ends tragically in tar pit
- Local family celebrates Hannukah
- Search for missing Plymouth man Max Pacheco continues into sixth month
- Unidentified flying sled reported by hundreds
- Paul McCartney “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime”
- The running feet about the human remains and Max Pacheco reference New Kids on the Rock episodes 1 and 3.