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How To Avoid Getting a Speeding Ticket
From WikiLemon
How To Avoid Getting a Speeding Ticket
- Artist:
- Neil Cicierega Presents
- Released:
- August 28th, 2009
- Length:
- 2:26
- Link:
- Hollywood East TV
- Cast:
- Pat Canary, Kevin James and Ryan Murphy
- Crew:
- Kevin James, Ryan Murphy and Max Pacheco
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Transcript
(‘How to Avoid Getting a Speeding Ticket’, a police siren wails)
(A cop walks to the window of a stopped car with an impatient-looking man inside.)
Smart Ass: What?
Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Smart Ass: K’yeah, as fast as I possibly could.
Cop: You-ah, you wanna tell me why you were driving so fast?
Smart Ass: Well, I had to get the hell out of the forest, that’s why. And if I were you, I’d stop hassling me and get the hell out of town, as well.
Cop: And why is that? What in the forest had you speeding outta there at eighty-eight miles an hour?
Smart Ass: A zombie attack, that’s what.
Cop: A zombie attack.
Smart Ass: Yeah.
Cop: You expect me to believe you.
Smart Ass: Hey, if you don’t believe me, you can go in and find out for yourself but I’m telling you, you’re not gonna make it out alive. There’s zombies. Everywhere. Everywhere.
(The cop takes off his sunglasses.)
Cop: Suppose I go in there and there’s no zombies. What then?
Smart Ass: Well, that’s not gonna happen but if it does, you can find me by my licensce plate number.
Cop: No I can’t.
Smart Ass: Why not?
Cop: This car has no plates! It’s another reason I pulled you over. It also happens to match the description of a vehicle that was reported stolen earlier today.
Smart Ass: Well, that couldn’t have been me!
Cop: Why not?
Smart Ass: ‘Cause I just stole this car half an hour ago. To get away from the zombies.
Cop: So you’re telling me, that you are driving a stolen car, with no plates, which you stole from the original thief, at 88 miles an hour, so you could escape a zombie attack?
Smart Ass: Yes. Now can I please go? The zombie hoards will be here any minute.
Cop: Just a moment. What’s with the dead tranny hooker in the back seat?
(Dramatic shots of the dead tranny hooker.)
Smart Ass: It was already here m- look. I was running from zombies, I didn’t really have time to look in each car to find one that didn’t have a dead hooker in it.
Cop: Why would you leave a corpse in the back seat of your car during a zombie attack, if there’s a chance she would come back to life and try to eat you?
Smart Ass: Oh man, you’re right! We need to get this hooker out of this car pronto. Look, as soon as I clear the forest, I’ll dig a hole so deep, no-one will find it. That way, it can’t hurt anyone!
Cop: I suppose you’re going to tell me that bag of cocaine isn’t yours either, smart guy.
(Camera shows the baggie of cocaine on the seat beside the Smart Ass.)
Smart Ass: No, that’s mine.
(The cop looks confused for a second, and is then attacked by a zombie. He screams and flails as the Smart Ass fumbles with his keys for a few seconds and drives away.)
(Credits.)
(A cop walks to the window of a stopped car with an impatient-looking man inside.)
Smart Ass: What?
Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Smart Ass: K’yeah, as fast as I possibly could.
Cop: You-ah, you wanna tell me why you were driving so fast?
Smart Ass: Well, I had to get the hell out of the forest, that’s why. And if I were you, I’d stop hassling me and get the hell out of town, as well.
Cop: And why is that? What in the forest had you speeding outta there at eighty-eight miles an hour?
Smart Ass: A zombie attack, that’s what.
Cop: A zombie attack.
Smart Ass: Yeah.
Cop: You expect me to believe you.
Smart Ass: Hey, if you don’t believe me, you can go in and find out for yourself but I’m telling you, you’re not gonna make it out alive. There’s zombies. Everywhere. Everywhere.
(The cop takes off his sunglasses.)
Cop: Suppose I go in there and there’s no zombies. What then?
Smart Ass: Well, that’s not gonna happen but if it does, you can find me by my licensce plate number.
Cop: No I can’t.
Smart Ass: Why not?
Cop: This car has no plates! It’s another reason I pulled you over. It also happens to match the description of a vehicle that was reported stolen earlier today.
Smart Ass: Well, that couldn’t have been me!
Cop: Why not?
Smart Ass: ‘Cause I just stole this car half an hour ago. To get away from the zombies.
Cop: So you’re telling me, that you are driving a stolen car, with no plates, which you stole from the original thief, at 88 miles an hour, so you could escape a zombie attack?
Smart Ass: Yes. Now can I please go? The zombie hoards will be here any minute.
Cop: Just a moment. What’s with the dead tranny hooker in the back seat?
(Dramatic shots of the dead tranny hooker.)
Smart Ass: It was already here m- look. I was running from zombies, I didn’t really have time to look in each car to find one that didn’t have a dead hooker in it.
Cop: Why would you leave a corpse in the back seat of your car during a zombie attack, if there’s a chance she would come back to life and try to eat you?
Smart Ass: Oh man, you’re right! We need to get this hooker out of this car pronto. Look, as soon as I clear the forest, I’ll dig a hole so deep, no-one will find it. That way, it can’t hurt anyone!
Cop: I suppose you’re going to tell me that bag of cocaine isn’t yours either, smart guy.
(Camera shows the baggie of cocaine on the seat beside the Smart Ass.)
Smart Ass: No, that’s mine.
(The cop looks confused for a second, and is then attacked by a zombie. He screams and flails as the Smart Ass fumbles with his keys for a few seconds and drives away.)
(Credits.)
