Haircut (a choose-your-own-adventure song)
A song in which YOU choose your own adventure!
Since this song is structured like a choose-your-own-adventure, you must follow a path. Click the links in parentheses to choose where your story goes!
You ought to get your hair cut,
It’s getting awfully hippie-like.
The barber closes soon,
You’d better make it zippy like
A cheetah, sporting some Adidas,
So you run from here to there.
As the wind blows through your hair,
Suddenly you stop.
Perhaps you like your mop?
Now we’ve got to know,
Do you chop it off? (2.1)
Or do you scoff and let it grow? (2.2)
You run into the store,
and meet with Mr. Barber.
As he starts to cut your hair,
The fellow seems to harbor
An improper eagerness to chop your ears off.
Suddenly those dull
Scissors jam into your skull.
The man says “oopsie-daisy.
Sometimes my hands go crazy!”
Blood begins to spout.
Do you go to the hospital? (3.1)
Or try to pull the scissors out? (3.2)
You stick it to the man, then.
Don’t cut your hair, don’t even shave.
You are now a hippie!
You find yourself a sign to wave
At protests, fighting for the oppressed people,
Animals, and trees,
But the system disagrees.
Violence is transpiring!
Cops are open firing,
Riots all around.
Do you run away? (3.3)
Or do you stay and hold your ground? (3.4)
You run right out the door,
And over to the hospital.
Into the waiting room,
Which looks just like a mosh pit full
Of bleeders, flipping through a Reader’s Digest.
You queue up in line
Behind some guy who broke his spine.
Later in the story,
Your doctor is Hugh Laurie.
Well, you’ve gotta laugh.
Should he fix your head? (4.1)
Or should you get his autograph? (4.2)
You firmly yank the scissors.
They’re stuck no matter how you strain,
But now you’re feeling tingly.
It seems their presence in your brain
Releases your telekinesis powers.
If you so desire,
Objects float or catch on fire.
This psychic potential
Could prove consequential.
Eh, well, what the hell?
Now you wonder, should
You use it for good (4.3) or for evil? (4.4)
You shriek and run away
Like a little pansy, and
You move into the woods,
To live like a chimpanzee.
Back to nature, but you find
You hate your neighbors.
Mostly, it’s the bears.
Can’t they mind their own affairs?
They’ve got you surrounded.
Now you’re quite confounded.
What is this about?
Do you try to fight? (4.5)
Or just politely talk things out? (4.6)
You make it through the riots.
The public wants your story told,
And so you write a book.
The sales come and lo and behold
It’s caught on, earning you a spot on Oprah!
She just smiles and winks.
Looks like she’s had several drinks.
Halfway through the show,
Oprah lets you know
She must have you now.
Do you slap her in the face? (4.7)
Or do you bow-chicka-chicka-wow-wow? (4.8)
Hugh Laurie starts to scream
“We have to operate!”
He calls upon his team,
There’s no time to sedate.
With his charming smirk,
He begins to go to work.
But there’s one forgotten factor:
Hugh Laurie’s just an actor.
Turns out, he’s insane.
Thanks to him, you’re dead.
He opened up your head
And then he ran off with your brain.
“Would you be so kind,”
You timidly request,
If he wouldn’t mind,
To autograph your breast.
Laurie signs with grace,
Then he draws a happy face.
Quickly, with no delay,
You put it up on eBay,
But to no success.
Your auction gets removed.
eBay says that you
Violated their terms of service.
You spend all your time,
Even Friday nights,
Beating up on crime,
Wearing spandex tights.
Now everyone’s a fan
Of the psychic scissor man.
Now your making millions
Defeating super villains,
But beneath the fame,
And beneath the cape,
There is no escaping from your
Quickly you embark
On a trail of hate.
Creeping in the dark,
Twisting mankind’s fate.
Now the whole world’s in your palms.
Activate the atom bombs!
Several seconds after,
You erupt in laughter,
“Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha hee hee.”
You’re prepared to fight.
The wretched beasts attack.
They bear their teeth and bite,
But you bite them back.
Soon you’ve killed them all,
All but one, who’s much too small.
And since you’re not a brute,
And since that cub’s so cute,
You adopt him as a son.
And then that bear and you
Realize a new
Adventure’s just begun.
So you ask them why
We can’t just get along.
And the bears reply,
“You’ve got us all wrong.
We come from up there,
From a place called Planet Bear.”
On their ship they take you
To their home and make you
King of all the bears.
And that seals the deal,
Proving God is real
And that he listened to
You slap Oprah’s face.
At once, her loyal staff
Start spraying you with mace,
And Oprah starts to laugh.
As the audience
Overtakes you in defense
Of their lovely hostess,
Now your ass is toast. Yes,
Sorry my dear friend.
I guess you’re gonna die.
You’d better say goodbye
Because this is
You and Oprah kiss.
The audience goes wild.
Suddenly, you’re piled
On the studio floor.
Now it starts to get hardcore.
On live television,
Maybe there’s a chance
That you and Oprah
Are in love.
- The total length of all of the videos combined is 15:19, making this the longest Lemon Demon song in the catalog.
- The “achievements” unlocked at the end of each run through are as follows:
- Groomsday - Got a pretty good haircut, all things considered. (100 G)
- Mom ‘n’ Popular - Supported a local business. (40 G)
- Queue Continuum - Waited in line patiently like a good boy. (25 G)
- House Call - Had real surgery performed by a real celebrity. (125 G)
- Hair and Balanced - Favored a clean, professional look. (75 G)
- Scissor Lifters - Stole supplies from a local business. (5 G)
- Reader’s Digest - Read a great article about Tom Hanks. (35 G)
- Gender Man - Had boobs all of a sudden. (150 G)
- Mr. Barber - Made pleasant small talk. (100 G)
- Big Disgrace - Got blood on your face. (20 G)
- D.I.Y. Medicine - Eschewed the bureaucratic, disease-ridden hospital. (75 G)
- Divide by Hero - Got superpowers instead of therapy. (15 G)
- Grease Cutter - No longer look filthy. (80 G)
- Make Mind Freedom - Activated psychic abilities without crystals. (45 G)
- Arson City - Set fire to a local business. (55 G)
- Now We’re Evil - Exploded the planet and laughed because you rock. (500 G).
- For the Beards - Pulled off the “awkward Jesus” look. (30 G)
- Happy Camper - Went camping and didn’t forget bug spray. (20 G)
- Human Beartrap - Seriously killed like eight bears. (150 G)
- Dadventure - Embarked upon the adventure of fatherhood. (100 G)
- Irrevolution - Become an activist, vegan, and stereotype. (20 G)
- Catch on Fear - Discarded you ideals. (5 G)
- Paws for Thought - Talked to bears; it’s cool, we’re cool. (55 G)
- Grizzly Manager - Commenced a thousand year rule over Bearkind. (250 G)
- Pig Deal - Had a bit of a run in with the law. (15 G)
- Write People - Wrote a book, probably captured some zeitgeist. (75 G)
- Impudent Rage - Slapped the most powerful woman in the world. (45 G)
- Winfrey or Die - Got torn apart and left under the audience’s seats. (5 G)
- Doth Protest - Organized a peaceful demonstration. (25 G)
- Brutality Series - Literally dodged a bullet. (50 G)
- Fame Plan - Got famous for actually doing something. (80 G)
- O Yeahhh - Banged Oprah. (10,000 G)
- Endings 4.7 and 4.8 are the lowest- and highest-scoring, respectively.
Haircut (a choose-your-own-adventure song) video information: